There is plenty of talk about the cost of a dozen eggs, but grocery prices are not going down anytime soon. Whether or not you’re a girl-dinner apologist, it’s worth noting that we are also on the precipice of snacks becoming a luxury item. And you don’t need the munchies to know that this threatens one of the purest joys in life.
And yet there remains two safe spaces for finding reasonably priced nonsense — two stores with a shared history for adventurous, yet frugal grazers to celebrate — the humble aisles of Aldi, and it’s bougier sibling Trader Joe.
Founded by Frau Anna Albrecht in 1913 inf Essen, Germany, brothers Karl and Theo Albrecht always helped out at the original store. Karl and Theo took over operations in 1948 after returning from serving in WWII, but when the brüders disagreed about selling tobacco products, they split the brand in 1962. Aldi Nord was run by Theo, which sold cigarettes. Karl was the head of tobacco-free Aldi Süd in South Germany. Both branches of Aldi maintain a large presence in America today. Nord owns Trader Joe’s, whereas Süd owns Aldi stores, both snack beacons of light.
As affordably delicious as this family feud was, there is another twist that anyone can appreciate on tax day. After smoke-friendly Theo was kidnapped in 1971 and held for 17 days in a closet, he negotiated his release for about 7 million Deutschmarks (or over $3.5 million). After his release, Theo (AKA Trader Bro) successfully claimed his ransom as a business expense on his taxes. It was a baller move from fractured family that we can trust to keep Knoppers wafers, peanut butter pretzel nuggets, dried mango, and string cheese from getting too pricey.
For that, the messy snacketarian in all of us salutes them.
Wake Up Babe, a New Sabrina Carpenter Stunt Just Dropped!
Sabrina Carpenter has had one hell of a year. After her five foot – nothin’ ass catapulted to mega pop stardom this year, she released probably one of the best celeb Christmas specials of all time. Then she got Dolly fucking Parton to feature on a track. Now, she’s released what may be the ultimate in schticky physical media gags – a special edition “Espresso” vinyl that has espresso IN it. Literally.
The liquid swirls around as the record spins around the turn table. Needless to say, if we were getting a tax refund, we’d be blowing it on this bad boy. Unfortunately (or maybe lucky) for us, Sabrina only pressed 1,000 of these bad boys, and they’re all sold out.
The Real Lesson in “White Lotus”: Bud Before Benzos
As we’re all still kinda reeling from the tense White Lotus finale, we’re craving Pad See Ew and pondering the meanings of life, fate, and privilege. We’ve also still been thinking about Parker Posey’s perfectly portrayed rich southern mom and her supporting player, Lorazepam. We’re not the only ones. Google searches for the pharmaceutical spiked the day after HBO aired the “White Lotus” episode in which the dad, Timothy, swipes a bottle of the pill from his wife, Victoria (Parker Posey.)
The prescription benzodiazepine, or “benzo,” if you’re cool, is sometimes also known by its brand name Ativan. Benzos are depressants that are often prescribed for anxiety disorders as well as muscular issues. These drugs can make users feel “hypnotized” and a bit sluggish. This is partly because these drugs literally slow your brain and body down. While these pills have been shown to effectively treat the conditions they’re prescribed for, they’re also pretty risky. As exemplified by Victoria on “White Lotus” fiendishly wondering where her stash is, drugs like Lorazepam are habit-forming. They also carry undesirable and potentially life-threatening side effects.
It’s at this point, when we must ask, as always, might weed be a preferable way to chill out? Studies have shown that our old friend THC has proved effective in helping people ween off of benzos. Perhaps rather than a replacement, cannabis should be a starting point when dealing with mental and physical tension.
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We can’t help but think “White Lotus” might have been a less stressful (and, okay, maybe a worse show), if its characters had hit the ganja instead of the child-proof bottle. Firstly, cannabis has a long history with both religion and spirituality. Studies have shown that 61% of users experienced a spiritual benefit. When Vanessa’s daughter announces that she wants to join a monastery, rather than worry her child is joining a cult, a stoned Vanessa could have had her third eye opened enough to encourage her rather than worry she’s joining a cult. Perhaps a stoned Vanessa also would have raised a daughter who stays at the monastery, rather than forgoing it because the food isn’t organic. High people don’t care about things like that!)
Cannabis has also been shown to facilitate communication by acting on the Oxytocin pathway. If the couple had only packed some gummies with their resort wear, perhaps Timothy could have talked through his impending career death with her. Or at least laughed about it. Or at least not tried to off his whole family with a blender full of girlie drink.
In any case, we know what we’ll be packing for our next tropical detox. And it’s not the gun in Walter Goggin’s waistband.
The Forecast:
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