It’s been said that 24-year-old Jordan Hudson met 73-year-old Bill Belichick on a flight and bonded over a book she was reading, “Deductive Logic.” However, based on Hudson’s defensive response to how they met, one could deduce that there may be more to that story.
Though the 48-year age gap relationship has received much attention, Hudson recently went viral for shutting down an interview question about how the football coach became acquainted with his now multihyphenate girlfriend-entreprenuer-personal assistant. They always say, the ideal age gap in a relationship is 40 years plus one for every Super Bowl you’ve won.
Still, the real issue is not a May-December romance between a young woman and a grown man incapable of discussing anything other than football. The problem is that no matter who Belichick is dating, as long as she is attractive and youthful, unlike the athletes he coaches, she cannot win.
It’s a classic tale we’ve seen play out throughout history. From Anna Nicole Smith to Erika Jayne, hot women who sleep with gross men are routinely disparaged as if that wasn’t what the bowels of Reddit were begging for all along. This inverted incel logic obviously has everything to with money. Everyone knows a guy in his seventies can date a woman in her twenties. It has been demonstrated over and over again. What gets everyone bent out of shape is that a net worth of $70 million is seemingly the path to get there. If Belichick made $50k a year and did the same thing, he would be a folk hero.
We’re all mad about what rich people do with absurd amounts of wealth. However, turning that around on other people trying to claw their way up the ladder says more about how you feel about your standing in society than it says about Hudson’s acrylics. And even if you get a little icked out when you see a wealthy man bat so wildly out of his league, it is still fun to sing along when Beyoncé wails, “It must be the cash ’cause it ain’t your face.”
Like it or not, your reaction is not about Hudson, it’s about the cash. And we’re all trying to get our bags, why should she be an exception to that rule? A woman who can get a powerful man to pose for photos like this can move mountains, and she deserves our respect.
I Chose Both
Recently I was thrown into a tailspin by one of those “choose this or that” videos. The idea in most of these is usually you’re presented with a couple of options of equal caloric value. Generally, one of those options will be a Big Gulp or something, and the other will be charcuterie and the idea is – wow aren’t these calories more fun. This visual demonstration is supposed to help me make smarter eating choices, I suppose. Setting aside the American comorbidities of Puritanism, overconsumption, and misogyny that make these videos a thing. I would like to address what, to me, was the truly confounding and confusing aspect of the one I watched. The choices presented to me?
A large, stupid coffee coffee drink with fun pastry.
Or four glasses of wine and a banana.
Sugary caffeine and carbs or artisanal alcohol and minimalist girl dinner provisions? If not a Sophie’s Choice, certainly a stoner chick’s. These are literally my two favorite food groups. Also, I’m deeply confused by the assignment and the lesson. Which option is supposed to be vilified here, and which one is more fun? Why do I have to choose?
The answer, I realize, is, I don’t. I choose both. I’ll take the alcohol and the sugar. At the same time. Separately. In moderation. In excess. I believe it’s just the wise thing to do.
Consider, for example that taking a bite of sugar activates our sweet taste receptors, which send a signal to the brain stem, which sends the signal to the cerebral cortex. From there, our brain’s reward system is activated. This lights up several electrical and chemical pathways across our whole brains. This initiates feelings of euphoria and pleasure.
In other words, biting into a cookie with gooey chocolate chunks and big flakes of salt feels like spraying a hose on the hot asphalt of your thoughts. Running your tongue over a spoonful of creme brulee that has both fluffy vanilla custard and hard sugar glass gives you a release that’s not not sexual; and sucking on the candy shell of a peanut M&M till you get to the warm chocolate and then more crunch in the peanut feels like finding your childhood at the bottom of a waxy yellow bag.
Yes, sugar consumption has been linked with diabetes and heart disease. Have you considered, though, that you have just one life to live, and one mouth in which you can suck down a nine dollar lavender honey oat milk latte that tastes almost as good as the American Dream sounds?
Charles Bukowski said “Find something you love, and let it kill you.” By this, I think he meant that passion is the point, life is fleeting, and Jesus fucking Christ does a margarita on the rocks with salt feel like kicking off the uncomfortable shoes that are your email inbox.
Sure, alcohol is a dangerous drug. So is love, and so is the internet; and the blue light of my doom scrolling will never make me feel as alive as a good glass of wine. Sipping wine is the closest you can come to taking one specific time, one place, and printing it on your tongue. Your brain. Each bottle is its own subtly different story, with layers like music notes you can feel playing out though your brain as the alcohol passes your lips if you’re paying close enough attention.
So I choose sugar and I choose alcohol. Because when they’re not killing me, these things make me feel alive, and anyway, deprivation is for the half dead.
Actually, Smoking Weed is Just Breath Work
Whether you’re a regular cannabis consumer or not, a tolerance break can be a good way to clear your head and boost the effects of the plant when you resume use. One of our favorite tools to lean on during these times of abstinence is box breathing, perhaps because it reminds us of smoking weed.
While there are variations, such as the 4-7-8 and 4-4-4 techniques, the premise is essentially the same. Holding your breath for a couple of seconds after you breathe in, much like you would with a hit of a joint, activates the parasympathetic nervous system. This system can keep the brain and body from slipping into fight-or-flight mode during times of stress and anxiety while inducing a state of calm. Studies show that box breathing and other forms of breath work improve mood more than meditation alone.
The biggest difference between smoking weed and breath work, other than the smoke, is holding in your breath at the bottom of your exhale. So the next time you smoke or vape weed, remember to hold your exhale as long as your inhale, ideally about 4 seconds. It might seem like a long time to pause at the end of an exhale, but it’s worth it to be able to say you weren’t just smoking weed. You were doing cannabis inspired breath work.
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